Hiiiiii Hello There

 OK, so back at it. I mean, really back at it. Do you know that at one time, I had over 6k subscribers? 

For real. I did. Lots of people were my friend on a now pay-to-write diary site. I won't name names cause, really, I am still butt hurt over that one. 

Anyway....

Hiiiiiiiii

I'm DeeLish but, please, feel free to call me Dee. I have 3 wonderful kiddos. Current ages are....

well. I won't tell you. BUT 1 is in elementary and the other 2 are still (unfortunately) in the diapers. I mean, my middle one-she has NO excuse. But I am busy, and you pee on my feet ONCE 

I'm ok, but twice? Three times? Seven? YOU GOT ME. I'll spend ALL the money to make sure I do not have to take the time out of my day. 

Anyway, that one, she's special.

I am here because I am feeling all the feelings. And I used to write in my now nonexistent diary but here I am...blogging for your viewing pleasure and some catharsis for me.

As I type this, I am avoiding work because I am tired. And Numbah 1 next to me chews so loud I swear I can't even deal with it. AND HE SNIFFS so loud - how did I raise this?

Anyway, I am married to my high school sweetheart. It's really nice that we have been together this long....blah blah blaaaaahhh.

I'm gonna be real with whoever reads this. Marriage is hard work. Add kids to that equation, and *Boom* splosion. I love him, I do, but sometimes I really wonder if he cares about anything the way I do.

Case in point: My house is a MESS guys. It's a combo of 3 young kids, depression, and a lack of organization and general disinterest in anything other than my bed after straining my eyes at work at HOME, HOMESCHOOLING and just always being here because I have no life, no friends anywhere in my general vicinity that will actually hang out with me, and well, no money.

I am exhausted in life. and this man said he dreads coming home because of the house being messy, and he has to do stuff and NO ONE HELPS HIM

OMG

He says his intentions were to, of course, make the kids help...

But he did all the yelling. I got them calmed down and in Numbah 1's room, and he went in there and yelled so more.

I mean-why? What's the point? Why make everyone else feel like shit?

Look guys, I am promising you I am not being harsh here. He has that tendency. And yes, we can blame it on mental health and yadda yadda

but 17 years and no change. None. I've now been with this guy for half of my life. I love him like the dickens. I don't eat so he can take food to work and we can get the kids food. 

But, that behavior yesterday literally disgusted me. They're kids, with 2 parents battling depression and major childhood issues, millennial/xennial parents with all of the baggage...

They don't need or deserve that. I strive to do for my kids all the things my parents couldn't and wouldn't do with me. There is only so long they are this little. I see it every day with Numbah 1. I don't want all that tension up in here.

I didn't eat yesterday and all day today. It's now 7 pm, and I am starving-but I pushed myself and cleaned, made the kids dinner, put in a full day at work, AND DID THE HOMESCHOOLING. I did it all.

I am not told thank you, I appreciate you...Guys my birthday was Sunday. I got up, I made the coffee, I did the grocery shopping and clean up. 

I had to wear pants on my birthday. Surely a tragedy and I couldn't even go by myself, I had to take Numbah 2 with me. 

I guess I am just looking for opinions....why do I allow this to happen to me? Why am I so complacent? I don't say anything. I just...keep the status quo. 

Hope everyone has a good week.