IDGAF Anymore

 Hello All

It's been a minute. I am over my life in general at the moment. The kids, the husband, and the job.

There is simply no peace.

How is something that is meant to give you so much peace and be so fulfilling be so devastatingly heartbreaking?

I am feeling very sad. Very overwhelmed. I can't help anyone or do anything. I am just so fucking stuck. 

I am so very tired of being so fucking stuck.

Sometimes I wish something life changing in a positive way would happen. I know they say mo money mo problems but TBH yall - money would SAVE MY LIFE right now.

I dont eat lunch. I dont eat breakfast. I homeschool 2 kids, and work basically full time anyway. I have a toddler that's a pandemic baby and MAN they are built different.

My 5 year old refuses to be potty trained completely. 

My husband hates me. He thinks that coming home and telling me he's in a bad mood would help. I am already walking on eggshells around him anyway.

Life is awful. I know I should look at the silver linings of things - but man are they hard to see. I just feel like no one sees me.

No one cares.

Maybe if I left they would. Maybe if I wasnt here they would see me. 

I just want to feel loved. and yes, I am in my feelings. i just cant do this anymore. 

Hola_Racy Content Inside

 Hola peeps.

Seriously, hola.  I am excited to be back! I keep on just, starting these things and never finishing them. Partially, because life has taken on a different direction.

Mainly, in the bedroom.  Now, my husband has always been pretty stiff in the bedroom. I had been relegated to taking control and just leading the charge.

It got exhausting. Don't get me wrong, who doesn't love a little power? But, what do you do when the one and only person you are in a monogomous relationship with won't do all the things you want to do. ESPECIALLY when it's normal to want your partner to do similar things that YOU do to them.

It creates resentment. Frustration. And I am sure most folks can attest to that weird headspace you get into, where you want to please your partner

but

you can't get there yourself.

no boom.

and there is NO faking it until you make it.

Well, we had a complete discussion. I laid it all on the table. Almost 20 years with the same guy. Sure, I have had my share of umm, guests of the female persuasion.  But never another man. Never anyone but my guy.

BUT

he wasn't hitting the right notes. and I got fat after having 3 kids. so it shook my confidence. Still does. I haven't gone out and done the things yet.

its been years

and now, now after having a sincere honest deep conversation

yall hes trying. hes doing the most. I cant keep his hands off of me. it makes me feel sexy and empowered. hes still stiff, but he's loosening up.

He made my body do things its never done before. and he enjoys it. 

I do too.

I think this is the reality of being a parent. You are still yourself. But you add more. You cannot forget about yourself though. It's not selfish to want to feel good, sexy, and have a great sex life. 

We all can only bone for so long, right? 

Have a great day.

Hiiiiii Hello There

 OK, so back at it. I mean, really back at it. Do you know that at one time, I had over 6k subscribers? 

For real. I did. Lots of people were my friend on a now pay-to-write diary site. I won't name names cause, really, I am still butt hurt over that one. 

Anyway....

Hiiiiiiiii

I'm DeeLish but, please, feel free to call me Dee. I have 3 wonderful kiddos. Current ages are....

well. I won't tell you. BUT 1 is in elementary and the other 2 are still (unfortunately) in the diapers. I mean, my middle one-she has NO excuse. But I am busy, and you pee on my feet ONCE 

I'm ok, but twice? Three times? Seven? YOU GOT ME. I'll spend ALL the money to make sure I do not have to take the time out of my day. 

Anyway, that one, she's special.

I am here because I am feeling all the feelings. And I used to write in my now nonexistent diary but here I am...blogging for your viewing pleasure and some catharsis for me.

As I type this, I am avoiding work because I am tired. And Numbah 1 next to me chews so loud I swear I can't even deal with it. AND HE SNIFFS so loud - how did I raise this?

Anyway, I am married to my high school sweetheart. It's really nice that we have been together this long....blah blah blaaaaahhh.

I'm gonna be real with whoever reads this. Marriage is hard work. Add kids to that equation, and *Boom* splosion. I love him, I do, but sometimes I really wonder if he cares about anything the way I do.

Case in point: My house is a MESS guys. It's a combo of 3 young kids, depression, and a lack of organization and general disinterest in anything other than my bed after straining my eyes at work at HOME, HOMESCHOOLING and just always being here because I have no life, no friends anywhere in my general vicinity that will actually hang out with me, and well, no money.

I am exhausted in life. and this man said he dreads coming home because of the house being messy, and he has to do stuff and NO ONE HELPS HIM

OMG

He says his intentions were to, of course, make the kids help...

But he did all the yelling. I got them calmed down and in Numbah 1's room, and he went in there and yelled so more.

I mean-why? What's the point? Why make everyone else feel like shit?

Look guys, I am promising you I am not being harsh here. He has that tendency. And yes, we can blame it on mental health and yadda yadda

but 17 years and no change. None. I've now been with this guy for half of my life. I love him like the dickens. I don't eat so he can take food to work and we can get the kids food. 

But, that behavior yesterday literally disgusted me. They're kids, with 2 parents battling depression and major childhood issues, millennial/xennial parents with all of the baggage...

They don't need or deserve that. I strive to do for my kids all the things my parents couldn't and wouldn't do with me. There is only so long they are this little. I see it every day with Numbah 1. I don't want all that tension up in here.

I didn't eat yesterday and all day today. It's now 7 pm, and I am starving-but I pushed myself and cleaned, made the kids dinner, put in a full day at work, AND DID THE HOMESCHOOLING. I did it all.

I am not told thank you, I appreciate you...Guys my birthday was Sunday. I got up, I made the coffee, I did the grocery shopping and clean up. 

I had to wear pants on my birthday. Surely a tragedy and I couldn't even go by myself, I had to take Numbah 2 with me. 

I guess I am just looking for opinions....why do I allow this to happen to me? Why am I so complacent? I don't say anything. I just...keep the status quo. 

Hope everyone has a good week.